One of my little obsessions is a “reality” show called STARTING OVER. On this show, there are 6 women in the house, each going through different things in her life. The life coaches use different techniques to help the women understand what they are doing and why and how they can change the “behaviors” that have been ground into them over the years. One of the things that really got me the other day was when Iyanla Vanzant (life coach) was helping Jodi (member of the house) to understand that she can give and give and give, but as long as she is also getting in return then there is always more to give. Iyanla had Jodi filling up all of these cups and then naming them with things she had learned: humility, acceptance, patience, etc… And then proceeded to pour the small cups into a very large one. Soon it was overflowing.
Sometimes I feel pulled in so many directions. Daughter complains about dad, dad complains about daughter, dad complains because this was not done, daughter needs this (tell me at the last minute)… and it goes on day after day. I think the only thing that keeps my head above water is my art. I can fill my own cup over and over again when I am sitting there in the studio doing my art. I don’t mean for that to sound selfish… I hope it doesn’t. Sometimes I just feel so lost, like I don’t know who I am anymore.
Hubby being the homebody that he is… and me wanting to get out and go to concerts in the park, go see a play…I had given up on what I wanted. But I have decided that I cannot do that anymore. I have to enjoy my life the way I want. If that means going to the concert in the park alone, then so be it… if it means going to the play alone… then so be it… But I have to get something out of my life besides being wrapped up in being Mrs. Bailey… I have to live!!! There are so many things I want to do. And losing the weight is only a part of that new beginning. With it comes more energy so that I can do the things I want to do and not feel like everyone is looking at me and saying all the negative words that have been shoved into my own head.
Back in March I attended a Womens AA Conference with my mom. I went because it was my moms 10th year and I wanted to be able to celebrate that with her. One day while it was a quiet time and no Al-Anon meetings going on, I decided to sit out at the picnic table at the lodge and just doodle in my journal. A few people came by and most just smiled and said hi and went on by. But this one woman came over and we just started talking. She was asking me about my art journal, what I do in it, etc…We sat there for a good 2 hours I guess. Jonny (I don’t want to give her real name for respect of her privacy) and I began talking about how you perceive that people see you. I could not believe I was pouring all this out to her. It was like we had known one another forever. I told her that when I first meet people, I feel that all they see is my weight and their thoughts are FAT COW or COUCH POTATO or whatever. Now remind you… this is a teeny tiny maybe 90 lb woman who has been thru hell and is really working the AA program. She took my hand and said to me, “When I saw you yesterday, the first thing I noticed were your eyes twinkling and your smile. You were welcoming everyone in with that smile. It made me want to go and talk to you.” I was in awe. No one had ever said that to me before.
It made me see that all the negative talk and backlashing in my head is there because I allowed it to stay there. I cannot do that anymore. In order for me to be there to fill someone elses cup, or to allow them to be there to fill mine, I have to OPEN UP and receive them.
Speaking of positive things… I am now off to Weight Watchers for my official weigh in. Wish me luck!!!